Upper Peninsula Beavers Plotting To Bring Down Our Power Grid
(Steps up to microphone. Taps the mic. Slight feedback.)
Ladies and gentlemen, for years now, I've stated privately and publicly, that the most likely danger to our civilized way of life in America is not a pandemic, not an asteroid strike, not even a hostile takeover by robots. It's the failure of one of our major electrical power grids. If that were to happen, we would plunged into the darkness, relying on technology from the middle 19th century. No power to heat, no power to cool, no computerized distribution system for moving food and supplies. And of course, no way to read my blogs. And how might that happen? It could be the work of a rogue nation or group with an EMP device - a nuclear weapon designed to take down our power grid. It could come from a Coronal Mass Ejection - an event generated by our own sun.
Or it could come from... beavers. Large, highly intelligent, rodents.
(An audible gasp from audience of thousands)
Yes, beavers, working together, communicating with each other and intent on bringing our way of life to an end. This is apparently happening even as I speak to you. Last week, according to the Detroit Free Press, in Michigan's Upper Peninsula, a utility pole was discovered, chewed through to the point of almost collapsing. The Cloverland Electric Cooperative repaired the pole, but their director of operations says he hasn't seen something like this happen in thirty years.
I ask: Why now? There are plenty of trees in the U.P. to build beaver dams. Are they not just nature's lovable contractors with overbites? I fear an evil plan is being developed. We must act now. Here's the story. Thank you.
(Puts up website link on Powerpoint screen - walks off to stunned silence)