An Open Letter to Anyone Else Who’s Ever Accidentally Eaten Mold

If you've ever accidentally eaten mold, just know you're not alone.

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About a week ago, I bought some apple turnovers that were priced to sell. The packaging included a "sell by" date, which I did not realize is apparently meant to be an "eat these before time runs out or they'll try to kill you" date.

Had a couple of the turnovers the day I purchased them, and they were delicious. Devoured another around midweek with no problem. It was the final turnover that tried to murder me.

My sweet tooth hit Saturday. I checked the refrigerator for a snack; nothing interested me. Peered into the cupboards; nothing there either. That's when I spotted that last lonely turnover in the package on the counter. Perfect! (Or so it would have me believe.)

It wasn't petrified, so I considered that to be a good sign. Nothing outwardly alerted me of any spoilage. I was about halfway through the thing when I glanced down and saw this:

Let me tell you something. Nothing will get your appetite under control more quickly than realizing you've been snacking on some nice furry mold.

This may surprise you, but I did not eat the rest of it. I brushed my teeth and gums and tongue and tonsils and everything else my toothbrush could reach and I was done.

Now, I feel like I've lived long enough to know this could happen. I was surprised nonetheless.

My friend Velda G. said:

They're almost a week old. Pastries with fruit or pastries period should be eaten right away or frozen/refrigerated. That moisture will quickly mold.

Call me crazy, but anytime I've purchased a pastry (with fruit or not), I've taken my cues from the store as to what should be done with it when I get it home. If I bought it from a refrigerated case, I refrigerated it. If it was sold at room temp, then that's how I stored it at home too. Sometimes products caution you to refrigerate them after opening. These betraying turnovers offered no such warning. They simply waited on my kitchen counter like a big puff pastry petri dish, yearning for the perfect moment to pounce and disgust me.

My friend Jacob H. offered this observation:

At least you know they’re natural.

Yeah, thanks for that. No preservatives! Yippee.

But Annie D. summed it up best:

This is the kinda s!@# that leads to trust issues.

Amen, sister.

I don't know how you blue cheese people do it.